John Keefer from 51deep.com

The Death of 35mm IS a bad thing, dummy.

Imagine an idiot. Now imagine an idiot trying to work a shotgun. Don’t worry, it’s a regular old analog shotgun. There aren’t any fancy touchscreens on it. Oh look, he’s looking down the barrel now. Why does every hypothetical idiot always do that?

Thankfully this imaginary idiot couldn’t figure out how to work the shotgun so no one was harmed. But if this idiot had a digital shotgun 16 human beings would be dead. Because digital shotguns are cheap and have no warmth and texture to their image…I mean they’re cheap and make it too easy for idiots to do damage.

Proponents of the “digital revolution”, a revolution that will only be televised since theaters will no longer exist, often talk about the ease of digital film making and in truth, and by experience I can tell you, it is much easier. But so what? I don’t necessarily want it to be all that easy. Why? Because there are important lessons that were learned with film! Hell most every masterpiece in existence was made on 35mm…or 16mm. These were hard fought for lessons buttressed up by millions of miles of lost, damaged, or just plain old unusable footage.

But really, if you want the skinny on why it’s bad, you dummy, then you should just read this: http://www.laweekly.com/2012-04-12/film-tv/35-mm-film-digital-Hollywood/

Scary, no? Just think of what will happen to costly pain in the ass digital preservation in the hands of the cheap-ass studios of the future. I feel true sorrow for the budding film enthusiast of 2035 who will, hopefully be able to, read about Preston Sturges and when he or she tries to find his films just gets some A.I. emoticon saying, “Sorry, the film you are looking for no longer exists. Because we don’t give a shit about history. Would you like to watch the latest episode of Jersey Horders: The Challenge?”

But what really gives me fear (not really because I am fearless) is that this is a move towards film as disposable medium. The quick fix tissue paper entertainment! Come marvel at the latest crap made by people more interested in being famous than expressing themselves by way of an intimate knowledge and appreciation of the language of an art form! Come one and all to this tepid display of digital know-how-not! The mirror art used to hold up to humanity has become a fun house mirror! And it’s so much easier!

Is anything easy really worth doing? If it’s easier to make a movie will that translate into a better movie? Or am I even thinking about that when I’m watching a movie? No. I’m just receiving what the filmmakers are putting out and, hopefully, being entertained by it. So really does process matter at all or is it just the end result?

Of course process matters you dummy! If you are just burning 1’s and 0’s who gives a shit? Burn them! Just keep filming without any consideration of what is being filmed! So that when you get into editing you can look at the four wide shots you have, the shots that convinced you you had enough when you were filming because it felt like you did, and curse yourself for being an undisciplined fool! And if you think that people can still exercise discipline with digital then you suddenly have a lot more faith in humanity than you did when you were cursing at the guy who cut you off this morning, or at the old lady in line in front of you who was trying to pay with pennies and was one penny short. Remember?! You know you don’t actually have that faith in mankind! But when it comes to something like this our immediate reaction is, “Oh fuck you! It’s new! And new is better! You old foggy. Nostalgia! (fart noises)” I love whenever nostalgia is invoked as a negative in this type of debate (is this a debate?). It’s like bringing up Hitler in an argument, it pretty much puts the kibosh on any sort of exchange of ideas.

But I will admit, I am a digital filmmaker. Ah! The shame! But I make short films and for that purpose digital is great! Now we have access to make films that actually don’t look all that bad, to show off our talents to the world (51deep.com …go there…please!) And! We can learn the hard lessons too. The lessons that strengthen that muscle, you know, the one that allows you to conceptualize something and then actualize it relatively in the form you wanted with the impact you hoped for. If it wasn’t for digital cameras there wouldn’t be 74 movies at 51deep.com and if you are saying, “Man I wish” then fuck you you jerk. Where are your movies? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So what is going to happen is film will be no more, studios won’t give a shit about preserving the history that, without which, they wouldn’t be in the position to fuck everything up that they are in now, and kids will grow up not going to theaters. Because if a theater is just a giant TV then why should I leave my already pretty big TV at home? It’s got a pause button. I can pee thanks to it. So studios are rushing to make sure that entertainment is once again in the hands of people because the Internet will make them obsolete. And at the same time ensuring that what they offer is in no way discernible from a much cheaper easier at-home entertainment. You know?…the glamor of Hollywood? That sense of importance? Gone because (to be read in a little kid voice) “Aww, it too ‘spensive. I want candy.” Good job you babies! No wonder you don’t know who I am. Dummies.

But really all this doomsday prophecy is silly. In order for a cultural apocalypse to truly take place humanity would need to stop producing geniuses. And while too much Internet and screens and whatnot might make it seem like we have, in fact, we have not. And I’m more than positive that future geniuses will discover this form, will Cronenberg-like merge their flesh with its gears, and make great films. It will happen, don’t worry, it’s been happening for the last century so no reason it wouldn’t keep happening.

One last thing. If you are making a major Hollywood film on digital don’t call it film. Don’t say “Rolling” or “Speed”. Just say, “Are we recording?” And don’t say, “My new film will be out…” Instead say, “My new video will be available On Demand soon.” Now. Did that feel good?

And if you want REAL DIY Digital Filmmaking go To 51DEEP.COM for fuck’s sake! We make these things for free, it’s free! Fuck you! No ads! I repeat, NO. FUCKING. ADS!

Whoops. Went a little crazy there. Time to calm down.

Where a Kid Can Be A Kid: The Lingering Effect of “The Kid Zone”

I’ve never gone to Chuck E Cheese but I have seen this commercial, and many like it, 10,586 times. The effect of having seen a commercial more times than I have the sunrise in all of my 29 years is that I feel as if I have been to Chuck E Cheese. Not just in the sense that I’ve been to many cheap kid friendly arcades/pizza places over the years and can pretty much put myself there. No, I mean that advertising aimed at children actually can stimulate the parts of a developing mind that process touch, scent, and hearing. The only reason to actually go to Chuck E Cheese when your a kid is for the tapestries, the iconography of the cool friendly rat and his pizza-mania. His disciple, the guy in the rat garb, distributes out hot slices of his body and blood but doesn’t have any answers. He’s just there to recite from the Menu and make sure kids keep the basketballs in the free throw game and not use them as weapons for their cruel blood sports.

Just thinking about all that carnage and pepperoni reminds me of my days in the Burger King Kids Club:

The battles. They lasted for days. KidVid did not know the meaning of surrender. He pushed all of us to our breaking point, Boomer, I.Q., Jaws, Lingo, through the hell and mud and blood of the battles with The Cows. It was just us and the Cows, the blood-thirsty psychotics in their pre-leather armor. Firefights would last for days, the fear of damnation, pumped into us by KidVid with his war-simulator video games, was the only thing that kept us going. If the Burger King was truly omnipotent, like the war-simulator would have you believe, he would see our failure. I knew with all the blood on my hands I’d be the first one in line at Hell’s Gate.

Or maybe I’m thinking of my time with the Blockbuster Kids…

Wait, was that a dinosaur?

I’m losing the thread here. Bright colors, catchy theme songs, the promise of inclusion, which one were the ads again?

Jesus! If I eat the personal pan pizza then I can shoot ray blasts from my eyes?! Is that what you’re telling me?! Please, tell me what sacrifice you require and it shall be laid at your feet! I will lay prostrate before you, kissing the ground upon which you stand, just give me a sign! What do you want me to be?!

This is making me tired and hungry…

So. It’s true. Advertising for children got real hip in the 90’s. There were no lines drawn between the entertainment and the advertisement. It was all part of one glorious other-world, one of adventure and fun. A place where kids ruled. Why in hell would I want to be in a place ruled by children? Nothing would get done!

But that’s just the line they sold you and the lasting effect is nostalgia for plastic food and talking dinosaurs. They had it in for us and their plan worked perfectly. Since I believe in the inherent goodness of the human spirit I’ll say this is more a SkyNet type scenario, they just didn’t know the consequences. A place where kids rule, a world where you can live like a kid, is a place where the big scary world of taxes and mortgage payments and responsibilities can be prolonged forever and you can live in a sitcom world where there are no real consequences, where there’s a laugh track.

The next time you go to a grocery store or a mall if you see a kid, well, don’t stare because you’ll get nasty looks. Just slyly observe their behavior, overhear their conversation, and I’m sure at some point you’ll hear something that sounds like a line from a TV show. It will express a sarcasm beyond their years, or a sense of timing or what a punchline is. These are not normal behaviors. Violence in media is not a threat compared to mimicry of iCarly or recitation of some cartoon characters catch-phrase. The thing about enacting violence is that it has a great mental/emotional/spiritual toll it takes, if you’re not already surrounded by it and are just doing what you saw on TV you would learn quickly that it’s a thing not to be done, that there are consequences the Burger King Kids Club doesn’t tell you about. The real danger, the one that no one would really notice, is raising a generation of ciphers. As far as I can tell this has been going on since the mid- to late 80’s. And we’re the ones who will be taking over in the next decade. And what will that look like?

If this scares you just go look up the opening theme to The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. It always calms me down.